T-minus 190 days.

As TTP nears, I’d like to write more personally about 2 Timothy over the next few weeks. 2 Timothy is a letter that contains the final heartfelt truths and encouragements of a senior worker  to a young preacher. I especially included the adjective final, to emphasize that Paul knew his end would be coming soon after he wrote (2 Tim 4:6); and for this matter, like the last words of a dying father to his son, these are the vital qualities in which Timothy must excel. When time is of the essence, every word is critical; none is wasted.

With this in mind, as I read 2 Timothy, I feel his words are most precious as I also prepare to be a preacher. What are the essential qualities I must cultivate? The Holy Spirit convicts me in so many areas. May these reflections encourage me for the journey to come, and for anyone else called to full-time ministry.

I want to start by writing about God’s calling.

“…an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God…” (2 Tim 1:1)

“…who has saved us and called us with a  holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.” (2 Tim 1:8)

For those who do not know why I applied and enrolled in TTP, in short, when I was a senior in college, I had a prayer that changed my life. About ten minutes into what seemed like any other prayer, I suddenly felt the power of the Holy Spirit move me mightily, churning within my own spirit. I was moved so strongly that I was suddenly weeping with all my might, to the point that I could not even speak in tongues. A very clear thought entered my mind, “Serve me as Preacher! Serve me as a preacher!” In my spirit I cried, “It can’t be me! It can’t be me!” To my own understanding, I didn’t know why I would be called. I felt so sinful!  I felt so unworthy and unqualified. Over the next five to ten minutes these thoughts wrestled within me. Meanwhile a floating consciousness that. this. was. actually.  happening. also overwhelmed me. I was full of tears, and I kept feeling the love of God moving and jarring within me, until I my heart finally surrendered said “OK God. I will serve you.” Suddenly the love of God filled within my spirit and eventually I could pray again. That was the first calling. March 19,2004. Two years later, I received another calling (January 8, 2006), and eight months later eventually a third (August 12, 2006) that made it absolutely clear I needed to surrender my life to God and apply for TTP.

I understand that this doesn’t happen to many members. But I’d like to vehemently remind myself that even though it is rare and special, it doesn’t mean I can boast. It is God’s calling. A holy calling. Not according to our works, for surely I often fall short of such a glorious calling. Rather, it is a calling out of grace, out of His own beautiful purpose, so high and unfathomable that many times we cannot understand it. It extends the very boundaries of time. (Aside: This verse also speaks of all who are baptized and in Christ too. It is also a holy calling and doesn’t just apply to God’s workers. A TJC member’s calling and salvation is rare, glorious, and beautiful too!)

I remember the months that followed the first calling were especially emotional since my worldview drastically changed. Among the books to be read before NYTS was Jeremiah, and I teared and wept as I read its verses. Passages like:

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”
Then said I: “ Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”
But the LORD said to me: “ Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ For you shall go to all to whom I send you, And whatever I command you, you shall speak. (Jer 1:5-8)

Sometimes the feeling became too incredible. Of all the people in the world, why was I chosen to be a mouthpiece for God? And then comes the feeling tiny Psalm 8 sensation, “What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him?” Why? Yes, why? Why is God so personal for someone so small like me? I’m so insignificant, yet apparently, so significant.

Eventually, I realized that question may never get answered, but I am to aspire to be worthy of it.

So tonight, I’d like to remind myself again that this is a holy calling. Holy means set apart. Holy means pure and spotless. My goodness, I have to work on holiness. I must overcome the world, for I cannot serve two masters.

At the same time, it’s a reminder that God chooses his workers. It’s God’s calling. Not a self-calling or the church’s calling or the parents’ urging or the wife’s insistence. It’s God’s calling. God guides His church. Moreover, like Paul recognizes, it’s a calling according to God’s will. Not one’s own will or human will; but God’s will. Sometimes people lose their faith because of so-called “church politics” and such. Rather than look at men, we need to fix our eyes on God. May God keep me and not let this happen, but if I were to one day disqualify myself, God will naturally remove me from the ministry. We need not to worry that it appears as if it’s humans making church decisions, that church is merely a human organization.  Rest in the thought that Jesus is the head of the Church. He searches the hearts of men. He knows His church (Rev 2 & 3). He has His plan. He has His timing.

After the first calling, many doubts would creep into my mind. Kind of like Jeremiah’s first response. I lack of this, I lack of that… why this, why that… what about this, what about that? Sometimes I still have self-doubt. But, when that occurs that means I haven’t fully internalized that this calling indeed is God’s. In truth, it means I’m relying and focusing too much on myself and not on the awesome power of God. I must have faith that if God has called me to it, He’ll see me through it.  I am only his vessel.

And that’s what I’ll write about next time.

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As 2009 closes, I look back and see a year of transition. In 2009:

• I went from being single to being married.
• I lived at home my parents and now make a home with my wife.
• I was comfortably employed and intentionally became a student.
• That is to say, I had a regular income and now do not.
• I lived in the US (West) and now live in Taiwan (East).
• I spoke/wrote in English and now barely get by with Chinese.
• I closed the secular chapter of my life, and begin a life in ministry.
• On a lighter note, I flew enough this year to qualify now as a AA Gold Elite member.

Transitional periods are often rough. With such an eventful year, of course there were moments of sorrow and nostalgia in between the excitement and newness. But now looking back, my heart is full of thanksgiving–my steps are ordered and I know whom I have believed. 2010 will be another year of transition as I move back to the US and become a TTP student, but I already know the Lord will provide. It may not be my time nor my way, but the Lord will provide, just like He did in 2009 and my entire life. I hope that my life and servitude can be in some way worthy of His calling.

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#3. Accountability

When you get married, someone lives with you basically all the time. All your habits and routines are in plain view. Though possible, it is usually hard to hide things or be secretive of how you spend your time. All this points to the blessing of accountability. Together you can mold each other to be more pleasing to God. Just last week, I was watching an unedifying video on youtube.  Joyce awakened my conscience on what I’d been polluting my eyes and heart with. A proud man would harden his heart and find this constantly annoying. But a humble man would graciously receive the gift that is his wife–the gift that is marriage. Hope I stay humble.

#4. Laughter

There a lot of times that you just laugh at each other! One time Joyce and I were talking and during the conversation she was making a noise pretending to sleep/snore. It was so cute and unexpected that I was soon laughing myself in stitches. It was so funny! I’ve also already shared my sleep-talking story…. :P

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Though I speak with the tongues of men or of angels, but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a clanging symbol. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, that which was in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put childish things away. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

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I’ve been meaning to memorize this again. Today was opportune and fitting. Now to put it into practice. Sam suffers long and is kind? Sam does not envy, sam does not parade himself, is not puffed up? Sam doesn’t behave rudely, does not seek his own? Really? Sam is not provoked? Sam thinks no evil? Sam doesn’t rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth? Sam bears all things? Sam believes all things? Sam hopes all things? Sam endures all things. Sam never fails .. ? Really? The funny thing about relationships and love is that I realize how much love I entirely lack.

God instituted marriage for companionship, joy, and refinement. The process of marriage humbles the man, for he must learn to apologize. The process of marriage matures the man, for he must learn to be selfless. The process of marriage molds the man, for eventually he’ll be better than the first day they met. But he must not give up on the process. Typically, the single man will easily be less mature than a married man, physically and spiritually.

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I was digging through my old emails last night. I completely forgot (and can’t believe) I wrote this when I was 20. Six years later, it’s like a letter for myself. He was 26 at the time too.

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Hey #####,

I remember the night before the ski trip, you were saying that you were afraid of the upcoming general congregation meeting for fear of becoming a church council member.

I forgot the exact reason why you were hesitant, although you did share some of what you had gone through.  I don’t know your role on the board…. you may just be the treasurer.  I also do not know how many votes you got.  I also do not know how you are handling and reacting to the situation.

But I think God may be preparing and setting you up for big things, and I know, it’s intimidating, scary, and you are reluctant to take on this task. But we have to constantly ask ourselves, what have we done for God? What have we suffered for God?  Sure you’ve taught RE, you’ve translated, you’ve done much more.  And yes there were plenty of ups and downs to go along with them.  But you’ve pulled through right?  In relative comfort…

All I want to say is that I hope you do not carry a burdened or bitter heart into this.  But rise to the challenge with all humility.  If we continue to seek wisdom from God as a little child, then God will give us His grace.  We have to turn our “I don’t knows” into faith and yearning for God’s answers and providence.

Ask yourself, “God, what do you want me to do today?”

The faster we can accomplish God’s tasks for us, the quicker we can get out of here.  No more suffering.  No more labor. On to heaven.

I am praying for you, God bless,
Samuel Kuo
cultivate yourself this month.  be sober.

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